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Is it ok to be a jerk to jerks at office?

by mightymosquito on 2/5/20, 12:07 PM with 35 comments

I was interviewing a new candidate today, and we do it in pairs.

I try to be as nice to people interviewing as possible(given how tech interviews can be pretty stressful).

However, the guy I was pairing with was not only being a bloody jerk, but he was also downright disrespectful(to the extent that he was pressing for an alternative solution to a problem which the candidate solved absolutely fine, and the jerk himself did not know of any other solution).

Should I treat the pig the same way he treated this candidate(just to teach him a lesson) or maybe take the higher road?

  • by ariejan on 2/5/20, 12:27 PM

    Or talk to him in private afterwards? Like adults? Explain how his _behaviour_ affected you and possibly the candidate as well.

    There's lots of reasons people act the way they do. Don't assume you know what his reasons are - talk to the guy and be open to have your mind changed by what he has to say.

  • by seanhunter on 2/5/20, 12:30 PM

    Firstly, do give timely feedback to the person after the candidate. They may not realise and we should always seek to help others to self-improve. Ideally this should be non-judgemental and impact-based. Maybe something along the lines of "Hey there, in that interview when you pressed for an alternative solution it didn't appear you were giving enough consideration to what the candidate had provided. If you alienate a prospective candidate, we damage our brand and don't just lose out on hiring them, we lose out on hiring any smart friends they may have." The idea is not to attribute intent but just to focus on impact. Read up on "non-violent communication" if you want practical pointers on how to do this.

    Secondly don't be a jerk but see this as an opportunity to show your character. To quote the Enchiridion of Epictetus:

    "Provoked by the sight of a handsome man or a beautiful woman, you will discover within you the contrary power of self-restraint. Faced with pain, you will discover the power of endurance. If you are insulted, you will discover patience. In time, you will grow to be confident that there is not a single impression that you will not have the moral means to tolerate. "

    This is something I personally really need to work on (seeing adversity as an opportunity to discover and reinforce resourcefulness within yourself).

  • by orisho on 2/5/20, 12:22 PM

    Wouldn't that make you a jerk too?

    I definitely wouldn't do anything "to teach somebody a lesson", that seems culturally unhealthy. Talk to them about the issue.

  • by feintruled on 2/5/20, 12:24 PM

    Definitely take the high road. To do otherwise might foster a toxic working atmosphere. I mean, you are already starting with one jerk, you don't need two. Plus, he wasn't actually rude to YOU, and anyone who saw you being rude to him might think you were at fault without context.

    You could pull him up - "Hey, you were a bit of a dick with that interviewee, what's up?" Or flag it up to your boss that your colleague uses interviews as a bit of a power trip.

  • by ianai on 2/5/20, 12:37 PM

    I’d consider mentioning how he handled the interview to who ever paired you with him. If management is just as jerky as him, though, I’d skip it.

    In the moment, I have realized bullies only honor other bullies. So being a jerk to him may be required. But consider what outcome you want to achieve before committing to that. It might work and he becomes less of a douche or it might make him even worse to work with.

    People like this are something like institutional herpes. You don’t know when or how he’ll rear up and try to tear you or someone or something else down. I think lesser skilled people think of such confrontations or disagreements as a way to look equal to people with actual skill or knowledge. Or they’re just thinking wins only come at the cost of losses to someone else.

    I’m reminded of an old game theoretic article comparing simple strategies in repeated games. The “tit for tat” algorithm had the best long term outcomes. It would break with the cooperative strategy anytime the opposing party would. I think it would stay that way until the other party cooperated, but it’s been a while. It might have just stayed non cooperative for eternity.

  • by tomkarho on 2/5/20, 12:34 PM

    The way I see it you have four roads to take. Each one with their own pros and cons.

    1. Be the jerk. This will unfortunately mean that you will sacrifice any high moral ground (imao) you might have over the jerk since you have now stooped to his level. To quote a certain alien from a certain movie: "This is getting out of hand. Now there are two of them."

    2. Take the high road. This will avoid conflict but also will not resolve the source problem which might resurface again but it might just be someone elses problem

    3. Take it up with him. Do it in private. Calmly and respectfully. Don't tell him he is being a jerk. Have a conversation about it. The difference? Ask him "do you think that was approriate?" Instead of "stop being a jerk" etc. Try to use language that doesn't put them on the defensive (very hard to do I admit)

    4. Kick the problem upstairs. Talk to his superior/hr and tell them about the situation. They will handle it for you (or not). However when management gets involved, stakes go higher for all parties involved (including you being the "snitch").

  • by dojosensei on 2/5/20, 1:00 PM

    First thing is to stop reacting emotionally to the jerk but rather rationally. Ask yourself why the jerk behaved the way he did. One could easily reason that it's not uncommon for the interviewer to talk down to an interviewee because they are looking for a job.

    As such, the interviewer feels like they are in a position of power. This is why top tech companies often make the interviewee do a lot of work and go through the rigorous process of multiple interviews before getting hired. They feel like they can do that in their authority position. However, this doesn't make it right.

    People who abuse their power shouldn't be in their authority position. An abuse of power is when they use their position to feel superior to others. It's likely the jerk has low self-esteem and was taking advantage of his position to feel superior to the candidate. Such people do not belong in authority positions. I would speak to your boss about his behavior and recommend the jerk not be the interviewer anymore for the reasons stated above.

  • by ochronus on 2/5/20, 12:39 PM

    Depends on what you mean by "ok". Being a jerk to him might have some beneficial effects, mainly you yourself feeling better ("Now I've shown him, ha!") or maybe he realizes his wrong ways. I'd doubt the latter and the former doesn't help too much in the situation (unless you only care about your mood).

    I'd try talking to the guy first, with well formed arguments and especially leaving out the word "jerk" or synonyms. Walk him through how it probably felt for the candidate (in the usual form of 'when you did X, the candidate probably felt Y) and show them how it's actually bad for the hiring loop, candidate experience and the company's reputation. Show him alternatives, too. Offer pair practice. See how he reacts. If he doesn't react well to this, take it one level higher as this can very quickly get to hardly reversible bad results.

  • by arh68 on 2/5/20, 11:51 PM

    Unless you're a founder, just ask what the policy is. It could very well be your company's hiring process just sucks (as-is), and your colleague is coloring well within the lines. How does the company reconcile "solved absolutely fine" with "pressing for an alternative"? It could be settled by who gets trolled the hardest, yes, but it's hardly reliable. This seems like something worth talking about 1-1 with your manager, like over lunch. Is this behavior normal? Can I just not be paired with him?

  • by kstenerud on 2/5/20, 12:31 PM

    You take him aside and talk to him about his bad behavior and let him know why it's unacceptable.

    Responding in kind is childish, and only leads to escalation. If by "taking the high road" you mean to let it pass, that's also a bad idea, because the behavior will continue and now you'll be morally responsible for not saying anything.

    However, given that you've referred to him as a "pig", I'd suggest that you give yourself some time to calm down before talking to him. Talks like this go very badly if you don't have any empathy in reserve.

  • by sswaner on 2/5/20, 12:23 PM

    Take the high road. Your positive and professional example will prove more productive than behavior that will condone his own bad behavior.

  • by cjslep on 2/5/20, 12:25 PM

    You can try to teach him a lesson. It probably won't stick.

    Taking the high road doesn't mean doing nothing. There are professional ways to handle the jerk's unprofessionalism. You can use this to grow yourself, rather than trying to grow an unwilling jerk.

  • by segmondy on 2/5/20, 2:54 PM

  • by factorialboy on 2/5/20, 12:24 PM

    What do you want to achieve by being a jerk to the jerk? Do you want to hurt them for their actions? Or do you want to transform them? Or you are happy with achieving your work goal not to be bothered with this side quest?

  • by oceanghost on 2/5/20, 11:32 PM

    "Jerk's don't know they're jerks, that's why they think you're the jerk."

    Don't violate your own standards of conduct, but don't put up with their shit either.

    Stand up for yourself, but politely.

  • by xaerise on 2/5/20, 12:33 PM

    This is an perfectly fine example by the candidate to think outside the box and your colleague didn't notice that.

    Take the higher road and don't be a jerk. Your other colleagues might react differently to you then.

  • by AnimalMuppet on 2/6/20, 12:04 AM

    Start with your own attitude. "Pig"? That's not OK. He's a human being, even if he is a jerk.

  • by vectorEQ on 2/5/20, 12:32 PM

    :')... don't adapt yourself to other peoples standards. be yourself regardless of people around you.

  • by migstopheles on 2/5/20, 12:28 PM

    The question here simply seems to be "is it OK to be a jerk?". I would say no.

  • by _y5hn on 2/5/20, 6:17 PM

    Is it ok to sometimes be a jerk?

    Is the jerk capable of sometimes pass on being a jerk?

    It is OK to be yourself.

    Unless you're a jerk!

  • by begemotz on 2/5/20, 12:27 PM

    the problem is the minute you go down this road, most people are more inclined to start looking at a lot more people as 'jerks' to justify our own impulses toward jerky behavior...

  • by Apreche on 2/5/20, 12:27 PM

    No. Act professionally and report the jerk to HR.

  • by imvetri on 2/5/20, 12:24 PM

    Teach a lesson. Feel good. Hit the road.

  • by ryannevius on 2/5/20, 12:26 PM

    Let it come, let it be, let it go.

  • by NoCanDo on 2/5/20, 1:04 PM

    Yes

  • by techterrier on 2/5/20, 12:24 PM

    No.